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Archive for September, 2009

Learning to Lean

The past few months have been pretty cool God-wise. Little by little, our relationship is growing from acquaintances to good friends. I’m really starting to realize how much He cares for me. I can feel His love for people overwhelming me at times, which is new for me. I’ve always been empathetic or wanted to help people but never before have I started crying just because I’m so happy about who a person is or proud of what they are doing…even people I don’t really know. I feel God’s presence a lot more often now…it’s pretty cool, it’s like God taps me on the shoulder just to remind me He’s still here and in my head I always say “oh hey God” or “oh hey Jesus”…like our own little joke :).

I’ve gotten pretty consistent about doing a little time in the morning with Him, although I’m still working on the whole discipline thing. I’m done with Proverbs 31 woman so now I’m reading through Celebration of Discipline again as my bible study, because I still haven’t gotten it lol. I read my Oswald Chambers, a little excerpt from My Princess (this little book that has letters from The King to His Princess, based on a certain verse in scripture…ministers directly to my heart everytime, just like God was talking to me right now.) and read a little of the Bible as well. That’s usually all I have time for, that and prayer, before I have to rush off to work.

Paul, the owner of the company I work for, had a heart attack a few days ago. I walked into work and he was in the process of having it right then, firefighters were walking in behind me. I’ve never had anyone I know or care for even go to the hospital for something possibly life-threatening so I was completely freaked out. I tried to hold it together as much as I could but when Paul was leaving he gave me a hug and told me not to worry and I couldn’t stop from crying, I had to go to the back and try and compose myself. He’s doing ok, but the doctor said if he doesn’t get rest and stop his workaholic lifestyle, he’ll die. So everyone in the company is stepping up and taking charge of different aspects so he can stay at home and sleep. Eric took his car so he can’t go anywhere and everyone has been ordered not to call or txt him and not to respond to him if he calls or txts us. That was a disappointment to me because I really wanted to send him encouraging txts, to let him know I cared for him and am praying and such. But I found a way around it 🙂 I asked God to give me encouraging verses or words for Paul and I’ve been writing them on little cards and mailing them to him. I don’t sign them, so they’re anonymous. I like it better that way, I know I have that desire deep in my flesh to get recognition for things I do and instead I just want to hear that my cards really helped him in a dark point of his life.

So as manager, I’m going to be at the store all the time now. I gotta pick up all the shifts that can’t be covered until we hire some more staff. So in just an hour or so I will be opening it up and I think I work all the way until close.

One thing I love about my job is the people I meet and the relationships I form. At our company meeting, Tiffany said it best by saying that we never know the impact we might have on someone. I want to have an impact! We have a regular that everyone calls Granny and she told Tiffany that she keeps coming back because she knows that she is cared for here. Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes because that is exactly how I want everyone who walks through our doors to feel. That store is my home, and everyone who comes in is my guest. I want to do everything I can to make them feel comfortable and I want to listen to them and hear their hearts and encourage and equip them for their day or their week as much as I can. The past few days, Oswald Chambers has been talking about how Christ is supposed to flow living rivers through us and that we seek a strong relationship with Him, not so that we can benefit but so that these rivers constantly flow through us and affect everyone around us. That’s what I want! And I think that’s what I’ve been feeling, in small doses, the past month or so. Oswald says to “never allow anything to come between you and Jesus Christ-not emotion or experience-nothing must keep you from the one great sovereign Source.”

That’s one reason I told Michael we couldn’t date anymore. I don’t think an occasional date is bad but we were moving towards a relationship and I was already starting to shirk responsibilities a little bit at work, spending my extra time with him rather than my family or developing my relationship with God like I wanted, and we had already fallen to temptation a couple times. The whole thing was taking my focus off of helping Paul out with the company and trying to really understand this whole relationship with a Being who isn’t physical (ps, those of us with the love language of touch…how does God fulfill that?! I can understand Him fulfilling those with words of affirmation or gifts or service or something but what about physical touch?). He wasn’t very happy about it and tried to convince me otherwise. I’m pretty sure he’s still mad at me, but I just hope he understands in time.

I’ve been looking for some good praise verses in the Bible because I have started to want to praise God when I pray. Like just tell Him how awesome He is. And I feel like I get stuck in the same kind of things to say and I can’t branch out. Today I ready Ephesians 1:15-20 and I liked that…I might memorize that one. If anyone knows of some more, let me know!

I’m not giving up on my ministry ideas…I’m just having to postpone a little bit. Beto is having to postpone as well, he’s working on making Kidridge freaking awesome at TCAL. But I’m really excited to see it happen!

Warren Samuels spoke at TCAL this morning. I really miss that man. He and Paul have such an authentic passion for God and what He’s doing…it’s so refreshing and inspiring. I miss being with both of them. Hopefully I’ll be able to invest some time in them in the next few weeks. It’s hard because there are so many people that I haven’t seen in forever that I really want to hang out with. Maybe I should make a list? That might make it easier lol.

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One of many struggles

It’s so hard. It never seems to get easier. How can I open myself up to someone I barely know? How can they expect me to? And then how can they be mad when I finally do? How can they reject me for who I am? Isn’t that what you wanted? To know who I am? Why else would you ask? Do you want me to just tell you what you want to know, what makes you feel good? Because I can do that. I know exactly what you want to hear.

Is it my fault that I’m confused? That maybe I think I should get to know somebody well before I start deciding I really like them? Should I not be upset if the level of physical is not equal to the level of emotional intimacy? Am I supposed to be ok with skipping over several important aspects and steps in a dating relationship?

How dare you.

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