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Archive for October, 2008

And so I find myself here once again, all I know is the little plot of land I’m standing on and what I think is out there. I have no idea if there is land to the left, right, front or back of me, if I’m supposed to step out, jump out, swim out, or wait for someone to pick me up. How long will this land I’m standing on be here? It could start to give way at any second or just disappear or I could spend the rest of my life on it. I can’t see but its not because my eyes don’t work. I’m surrounded by a thick darkness that I can as much feel as not see. It’s hot and stuffy and makes thinking clearly hard. I feel my heartbeat rising and a panicky feeling grip my knees. I think I’m healthy and ready for whatever comes next but I don’t really know. I can’t remember anything other than the spot I’m in, I can’t move because the darkness has me cocooned and the only sense that I know for sure is working is that of feel, because I feel the ground I’m standing on and I feel the darkness around me. Take your shoes off for you are on holy ground.

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Shut Up Sarah

My counseling sessions continue to surprise me. I keep thinking “why do I go to these again?” And then I walk out and go “Oh ya, thats why.” My counselor, Teresa, is great at showing me what’s going on and realizing how to deal with stuff.

So anyway, I talked to her about this thing I had been struggling with the past week. I shared my frustrations, what happened, how I reacted, the whole bit. And Teresa being the genius she is said simply “You’re overthinking”. Well she said a whole lot of other stuff too but we won’t go into that. Ok, so I’m overthinking. I can see that, makes sense, I think a lot so overthinking isn’t a stretch.

So on the drive back to DBU I’m trying to figure out why I overthink (overthinking about my overthinking hahaha ooooo I’m screwed up). I guess I’ve always known I overthink but didn’t realize it was a problem. And I realized that I didn’t use to overthink. It wasn’t until the past few years that I started thinking so ridiculously much and analyzing everything. You know when it started? After the Isaac fiasco…DING DING DING! Why is everything I do linked to that now?

Anyway, it’s a defense mechanism. I’m scared to death of getting into another relationship and the same thing happening again. I used to be very much a free spirit, go with the flow, hippie love for everyone kinda person and I still am, but now I’m constraining myself inside this safety net and I think I’m happy there. It’s like I figure if I analyze everything, I’ll be in control and I won’t get hurt again. There’s that control thing again!

Thank You God that You keep healing me and teaching me, even through my ridiculous moments like this past week! I’ve made mistakes and I’ve missed out on opportunities and sometimes I want to just sit and wish for the time back but You put them in my life to grow me and thats exactly what I plan to do. Keep my eyes aimed what You’re bringing next and not on the messes of the past.

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