Archive for August, 2008

I want to be a girl.

I want to be a girl.

My entire life I’ve prided myself on not being a girl. I didn’t care about what I wore, I didn’t like messing with makeup, I didn’t like dressing up, I hated the pressure to be pretty, I punched people, I cussed, I had crude humor, I told people what I thought about them, I was sarcastic about everything, I put my emotions in a box, I hung out with guys, I related to guys. It always felt so weird when someone treated me like a girl, like holding the door open for me, or offering to carry things for me. I’ve always thought that these are things guys should do for girls, I am very opinionated in that regard but I never thought it was what they were supposed to do to me. I’ve always joked with people that I’m not a girl, just because I always related best to guys. It wasn’t until just a little while ago that I realized that I really don’t think I’m a girl, in my head I’m really a “he” not a “she”.

While I was working today, stuffing little pieces of paper about pricing into brochures for IMPACT counseling, I had an epiphany. “God, I want to be a girl”. I had decided to turn my grunt work into time to talk with God, and so I was praying over friends that I often forget to pray for during my God time, and just kind of figuring things out for the next few weeks when this thought declared itself in my cerebrum.

I’m ready to be a girl. I’m ready to step down from my dominant position and let the guys step up. I’m ready to be a nurturer, to be a counselor, to be a true woman of God. This past year at school and this summer alone has all led up to this point. Slowly God’s been showing me that there is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom (what I’ve always deemed as the epitome of femininity), slowly He’s been building the compassion in my heart for others, slowly He’s been cultivating passion in my heart for ministry, slowly He’s been showing me the hurts and bruises and open wounds in my life that I need to address. He put 3 girls in my life 7 years ago specifically for this moment right here, Lauren, Kiran, and Nicole have been such a help to me as God’s been pushing me through all this. I couldn’t have made it without their support and their example and their passion and love for Christ.

Jesus, I want to be a woman of You. I want to love you so much my insides explode, so much that my heart stops beating, so much that my throat hurts from all the praises I sing to You, so much that I scare my family and friends, so much that I lose myself in You. I’m ready YHWH to be the woman you created me to be, I submit myself completely and wholly to you ADONAY.


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