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Archive for April, 2008

So this weekend I drove to Waco to visit my grandpa and uncle but also so I could then drive to Austin and watch my school’s track meet at UT. I was driving my dad’s car and he had left his “book on cd” thing about the 5 love languages. I’m familiar with the concept but had never actually read the book or anything, so I popped the cds in and started listening.

Wow. It’s like my whole life makes perfect sense now.

My love language is touch. I’m surprised I didn’t think of that sooner, I always thought it was quality time. But the primary love language is physical touch. All the people I hold near and dear to my heart are physical with me, and not in a sexual way. For instance mama T gives me awesome back and head rubs, Lauren and I can hug for hours, Kiran and Danielle and Lacey and I just lay all over each other.

When I think back to the worst times in my life, it’s also the times when I’m not being touched. My mom never really touched me, and I’m starting to realize thats why I never felt loved by her. I remember once when I was dating Isaac, we had decided to put some rules out there to try and control the sexual part of the relationship. He’s idea of controlling it was to not touch me at all and it absolutely devastated me, to the point where I was the one soliciting sex just so he would touch me again. It makes me wonder if there are other girls who have experienced the same thing, who feel the most loved when they are being held or touched and so settled for sex because it was the closest they could get.

Now I understand why some people just don’t want to be around me, because I express my love through my two dominant love languages, touch and quality time. For someone who has a different love language, that must be extremely stifling. They’d be thinking “why is this person always around me and always hugging or touching me?!” I get the picture of Achmed the Dead Terrorist and Jeff Dunham “Stop touching meeee!”

This has lit a fire under my tail, so to speak. I love people, so much sometimes that I physically hurt inside. Even fictional people, from movies or tv or books, I just feel everything they’re going through and I want to make things right for them, I want to help them. So when people don’t respond to me when I’m trying to love them, I get a little frustrated and I feel hurt too because I’m putting my love out there and it’s not getting accepted. But now I understand that there are different love languages and I just have to figure out what someone’s love language is for them to be receptive. I’m so excited, I want to ask everyone I know “so what’s your love language?” because I have so many great ideas for the different kinds!

For the “acts of service” language I can clean their car, help them with their papers, open doors for them, attend events that they are performing in.

With “words of affirmation” lovers, I have so many encouraging things I could say! I love complimenting people, I made it a habit of mine looong ago to compliment on clothes and performances first of all because it’s polite but also because I’ve seen it make a real impact on people.

“Gifts” is easy too, because there are so many things I can do! Leaving bible verses randomly around their room or car, buying them lunch, drawing a picture, giving them something that reminds u of them, etc.

And then obviously the languages of touch and quality time I already do naturally. It’s why, I’ve realized, I drop everything when someone invites me somewhere or wants me to come be with them. It’s like they’re speaking directly to my heart “I love you and I need you here now”. Now I dunno if everyone who’s ever invited me to something has felt that way, but it doesn’t matter because it “fills my love tank”.

So for those of you that read my blog, all 3 of you, I want to know your love language so I can love you to death!

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I feel real stupid, like I need to wear a bag over my head stupid.

I’ve grown up in a Christian household. Christianity is kinda my thing, my niche in the world. I’ve read a ton of books on it, I know cool facts, I think about it a lot, etc. But put me in a real world situation and I fall flat on my face.

It’s like I grew up with soccer. I studied it, I watched it, I analyzed it. I know everything there is to know about soccer, I can discuss it for hours and debate different plays and who’s the better player. I can tell players exactly what they’re doing wrong and in any situation I know exactly what has to be done. But put a uniform on me and throw me on the field and I fail miserably.

Mama T helped me realize this the other day, while she was helping me with another big problem I was having. She told me “You have a lot of head knowledge. You know what to do but you don’t do it.”  Wow. I kinda knew that was true about me but had never heard somebody else say it. And then I read in The Barbarian Way that if you hear the voice of God, you know what He’s telling you to do, and you do what you want anyway then you harden your heart just a little bit. The more you do it, the harder your heart becomes until your heart is so hard you can’t hear God’s voice anymore and God has no impact on your life.

That scared the living daylights out of me (btw, thats an odd phrase where did it come from?).  I mean, I can become a blubbering ball of tears if I make someone angry enough to not talk to me, I can’t imagine how horrible it would be if God himself never talked to me again.

So I’m turning my eyes upwards and not looking down. I can stumble, I can fall, I can run into things but my eyes are staying locked up there.

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