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Archive for March, 2008

I love breaks, probably too much. Finally I can lounge around and do nothing and not feel bad for it! Because honestly, Spring Break is not a break for me. I rarely do anything anyway. School wise, that is. I show up to class, I do the least amount of work possible to get credit, and I’m done. The rest of my day is spent in facebook, myspace, eating, sleeping, socializing, etc. I am not a diligent student.

In fact I’m not very diligent in anything. I’m not disciplined at anything. Is it because my parents weren’t strict enough with me or because I have way too strong an independent personality? I’m not sure. All I know is, I have to remind myself to take showers, somehow I can’t seem to practice voice for only 30 minutes a day, I’ve only completed all my homework one day this entire freshman year, and I can’t do a consistent quiet time past three days.

What is the secret to discipline? It could be just strength of self, I choose to do this thing every day. If thats true, I must not have any self-strength. If it’s others promptings that does it, I’m screwed once again. I feel so grown up, I’m at college, I’ve been able to help people in situations, I decide what church I belong to and where I spend my time. But at the same time I feel like such a child. I’m back at age 3, when you think you know everything and you want to tell everyone how it is. But God’s showing me time and time again that I really know nothing.

For example, I’ve always liked worshiping. It’s my favorite part of any church event. I always felt like I was closer to God at those moments, plus I just love music. I just recently started going to Thursday night worship. I went once near the beginning of the semester randomly. I was up in my room, all emotional and upset because an ex boyfriend was badgering me, when I heard music through the floor. I walked down to investigate and discovered the worship. It was a great way for me to release everything I was feeling, my RD even prayed over me. Since then I’ve been a several times, not consistently but often enough. Last night God really just pried my eyes open and made me see what I had been missing.

I have a very strong desire to be noticed, to be praised, to be applauded, to be thought well of. I try not to make it an obvious deal but trust me, inside sometimes I’m going absolutely crazy. So while I want to be the person up front leading everyone, and I want people to recognize my name I’ve always prayed that God would keep me from those things. So during worship, I keep my eyes closed. I wanted to focus on God and not on the people around me. I rarely lift my hands anymore because I don’t want to do it just because I think it fits or I think everyone else is doing it. At Thursday night worship, my eyes are screwed shut the entire time. At first the worship was a new experience for me, the singing is different. I always felt at the back of my head that it was kind of showy. That people came here to show off their great voices, because I heard tons of people that could really sing, or people came here to make a show of praying over people or things like that. Just really judgemental thoughts that somehow made me feel better about myself. I always thought “well it’s not what it should be but at least I’m worshiping.”

So back to last night. In bible study the night before we had talked about solitude, and how we need to get alone with God often so that he has a chance to talk to us. So I started the worship time off with that, I got down on my knees and just asked God to speak to me. I got sidetracked a couple times, as is my nature, but I started realizing somethings. Like how we’re supposed to give our all to Him, I’ve always known that. But I hated that I’d give it all to God but I’d still end up sinning hardcore and then I’d have to do it all over again. I guess it never occurred to me that I’d have to give myself every day. So anyway, I felt like I should go to the bathroom for some reason, I usually stay in one spot with my eyes closed the entire time. So I get up and walk out and at the same time this other girl walks out to the bathroom. We’re both in the bathroom at the mirror, she’s blowing her nose, and I’m just trying to get a handle on things. I felt like this was my chance, like I was supposed to talk to her. But I didn’t. It’s like God was telling me “see? I gave you your shot right there! Can’t you see how infantile you still are?”

So I went back into the worship and this time I kept my eyes open. I watched everyone. And I realized that I was the one not worshiping. Everyone there was singing and praying with full abandon and it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. And it hurt my soul because I can’t worship like that. I don’t know how.

There are so many things I know I must do, but I don’t know how to do them.

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