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Archive for January, 2008

I worked my first Disciple Now this weekend. I was really excited that Swig asked me to help out, because nobody asks me to do leadership type stuff. You know, I’ve always felt like I could do something, that the way some people did things wasn’t right and that it could be done better. So I’ve always been a little frustrated that I was never asked to do anything; don’t I look capable?

Anyway, I was excited because I was being entrusted with these girls spirituality basically. That didn’t excite me because of the girls spirituality but because of the responsibility. Kind of like a “can I do it” attitude. I wanted to challenge myself and see if I came out on top.

How do I explain what happened in the past 48 hours? God took control. Everytime I was supposed to lead my girls in a breakout session, I had to pray “God I have no idea what to say to these girls. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what needs to be discussed, I don’t know what will get them talking. You’ve gotta get down here and do it for me.” And He did. Somehow I got through the sessions smoothly, the girls seemed to bond to me within a short period, and I didn’t feel weird or insecure like I normally do.

My favorite thing though is that one of my girls had a younger friend that needed to talk to someone and she brought her to me. To me! She could have gone to her own leader, to Swig, to her youth pastor, anyone but she came to me. And I got to help explain salvation to that little girl. I prayed over her and than she prayed her own prayer. It was the most amazing thing ever!

After this weekend I’m seriously thinking about whether God might be calling me to straight up ministry. I always knew that I would have a ministry, every Christian is called to ministry. I just didn’t know if that was going to be my 8-5 job. I’m starting to think maybe it is.

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Love according to John Mayer

if my past is any sign of your future
You should be warned before I let you inside”

Love according to God

“My lover spoke and said to me,
“Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.

See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.”

Love according to John Mayer

I will beg my way into your garden
And then I’ll break my way out when it rains “

Love according to God

“Let my lover come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits.

I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride;
I have gathered my myrrh with my spice.
I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey;
I have drunk my wine and my milk.

Eat, O friends, and drink;
drink your fill, O lovers.”

Love according to John Mayer

Hold on to whatever you find baby
Hold on to whatever will get you through
Hold on to whatever you find baby
I don’t trust myself with loving you “

Love according to God

” His left arm is under my head
and his right arm embraces me.

Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.

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The first day of school. Always my favorite and most feared day. I get excited about my new classes and new teachers. I always want to sit at the front of the class and connect with the teacher. I want them to see how excited I am, I want to impress them, I want to be one of those students that the teacher talks about for years afterwards. Too bad I lose my momentum fairly quickly.

Anyway, started classes. Tuesday is a weird day to start on. First was soccer class. Not much to say there except I’m excited to learn :). Little worried because most kids in there have played soccer before. Oh well, I guess I’ll learn to look like an idiot.

Intro to sociology. Already can tell I’ll like the class. I remembered how much I loved psychology and sociology is like psychology on groups. Pretty cool. Interested in cultures and how they change and are affected by group’s changing their minds and all that jazz. Sociology is on my long list of possible majors. So this class might be the deciding point.

Lunch. Ate food. Couldn’t see anyone I knew.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH my favorite class. Professor Dyer, where hast thou been my life entire-gone? English 2301, finally a teacher that is freaking excited about literature. I dunno why but I was sitting there listening to her and I wanted to cry. I just felt so relieved. I’ve always loved English class but…I dunno, it just felt like home. Just from her introduction to the class, she’s made me think so much. I felt so alive coming out, I was singing all the way back to my room.

Luminality – threshold of time, start of change. My moments of luminality are summer after junior year in Venezuela when evangelism finally made sense, in CTC when I finally worshipped God for the first time, this past semester when God physically talked to me.

Ordo amoris – latin for order of our loves. St. Augustine said there is a chain of being where everything moves up to God. We have to remember our order in the chain. It’s so crazy that she was talking about this today because it’s something I’ve been working through. God first, than angels, than us, than animals, than trees and rocks and such.

Narcissism – Narcissus was a dude in Greek mythology. There was this girl that had made the gods angry and so they made it to where she could only repeat things people said. Her name was Echo. Well Narcissus came along and Echo repeated everything she said and he got annoyed and was rude and made her cry. The gods could see his pride and punished him. He looked at his reflection in a lake and was so transfixed that he sat there for hours. The gods turned him into a flower. Hence the flowers that hang over lakes. Anyway, narcissism is a disorder where one thinks one is the center of the universe. It’s our modern day epidemic.

“Something there is that doesn’t love a wall” – Robert Frost. Gah, I love that. Just the way its worded, its perfect. I wish I talked like that. And the idea is that community is important and neighbors should love each other and not be separate from each other. That people that live next to each other shouldn’t just live next to each other but BE next to each other in all parts of their lives that they can be.

All in all, I freaking love life.

In other news, I got a haircut, Heath Ledger died, and my throat itches.

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Ha I bet I got you wondering what this blog is gonna be about from the title. Believe me, all those really do apply, I didn’t just throw random words up there to confuse y’all…although I might do that at one point.

So ya, me and my mom have had a horrible relationship, really since 6th or 7th grade. Could never really talk to each other without getting in a fight or anything and lately we’ve been civil to each other but we’d drop snide comments all the time, the kind that really pierce through to your heart. I never really thought about it much, like I knew a lot of time I blew up at my mom for no reason but I didn’t really know why or anything and it’s not like my mom was a horrible person I just figured we were opposite personalities so we wouldn’t get along.

I read through Captivating a few months ago (if you’re a girl, you have to read it…right now) and one of the chapters is on hurting and stuff and how bad relationships with parents or whatev can really hurt your friendships and what not later on and I realized why I would always blow up at my mom. I never had felt like she loved me; I knew she loved me cuz I’m her kid, she’s a real sweet lady, wouldn’t hurt a flea but I never felt like she loved me just for who I am. Like if I was a kid off the street, I didn’t think she’d love me at all. So I figure this out and that alone was a load off my back. It was like “wow I finally figured out why my foot hurts so bad, there’s a piece of frigging glass in it!”

Now it’s 3 months later and I still had that piece of glass in my foot. I knew I needed to talk to my mom about it, I needed to tell her that I never felt like she loved me. But I never got the guts to. Couple of days ago I was doing my devotional/study type thing and I read through 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter. And it hit me so quick how I’m not loving my mom like that (really it hit me about a lot of people I’m not loving right, but that’s another blog). With her I was easily angered and not patient at all and all this other stuff. I finally realized that I didn’t need to just point the finger and say “you never loved me!”, I had to apologize for how I acted. Because no matter what my mom did, that didn’t make my reactions right. It’s funny because I feel so strongly about doing the right thing, even if people are acting in ways to where I don’t want to do the right thing or its not even logical to do the right thing and here I am, doing exactly what I hate.

Anyway, I finally sat down and prayed a quick prayer and said “God, you gotta help me with this” and called my mom. Wow did I cry. It was so good to actually have a conversation with my mom and figure out stuff from the past few years. Like my mom had this program on my laptop that let her read anything I wrote on my laptop. I flipped out when I found out, I thought she didn’t trust me and she was checking up on me and all this stuff…which I’m sure she was a little but mostly she did it just so she could know what was going on in my life. I didn’t talk to her at all as a teenager, I didn’t feel like I could and if she asked questions I’d get defensive and all cuz I thought she was trying to get into my personal stuff. You know, like I thought she was looking for more stuff she could be critical about. Anyway, it blew me away that she just wanted to know about me! She even said she was so proud of stuff she saw me writing but she couldn’t say anything cuz she wasn’t supposed to see it.

So it was a good talk, we both forgave each other and I finally told her how hurt I was from her miscarriage this past year because it seemed like to me that she didn’t even care that she had a miscarriage. Like she was perfectly calm when it happened and I never saw her cry. But she told me she completely lost it a couple days later when it sunk in, she just never showed it to the family. It was just really good, I’m glad God finally nudged me enough for me to do it!

So that is my blog for today. The end.

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Hello world!

Ah, my first official blog. Myspace and facebook don’t count as blogs. At least I don’t think so.

I love the title they automatically gave my first blog. Reminds me of when I took those computer science classes. Me and my friend gave my teacher’s computer a “virus” that made a GUI pop up and say “Hello World!” over and over and over.  Good memories.

Well I’ve just gotten off work and am far too tired to actually write a blog. I’ll hit this up later.

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