I want to be a Rescuer

I want to be leading and changing. I don’t want to be a side person or a follower, I don’t want to be there when history changes, I want to be the catalyst! It doesn’t matter where, what, or how, I just want to shout from the rooftops what god is speaking to my heart and see it take action on the people around me. I could take up nearly any cause and be its champion, I could cry out for those without voices, I could speak the truth that transforms lives. I don’t care what God calls me to do, as long as I’m not sitting on the sidelines or dealing with the mundane. I want in the game, I want on the front lines.

Some questions discussed

* What does it look like to live as if life is a vapor?
Living life as a vapor requires attentiveness. You don’t ignore things and you notice things that no one else does. All of a sudden, you enjoy simple things much more like 5 minutes to be able to sit still or some pretty flowers in a window. You live more in the here and now, but not in a whimsical or reckless fashion. Instead, you are utterly aware of here and now and are careful in your actions because it might be the last thing you ever do, and to leave this world with a misplaced word or a slap to someone’s face would be catastrophic. You listen to people when they talk to you and you savor each bite you take and you give a smile when others give you angry words. Pet peeves are no more, anxiety and stress have expired, and setbacks are simply setbacks. Our relationships with God are more intimate and meaningful. Changing the world becomes an immediate possibility.

* What does it look like to live unafraid of death?
Being unafraid of death allows you to hear God tell you things you couldn’t hear before. When you fear death, anything that might cause death is not allowed into your though processes. Once that fear is gone, God can call you to change the world in ways you would never imagine. A generation without fear of death is a generation of Jim Elliots.

*  What is the difference between foolhardiness and fearlessness?

Foolhardiness is when you act in ways that endanger yourself with no thought for anyone else. This can be thrill-seeking behavior such as bungee jumping, cliff diving, swimming with sharks, etc. Or it can be things such as drinking, drugs, lots of random sex, etc. Fearlessness is courage and bravery and chivalry. Fearlessness is when the thought of your own safety never even enters your mind. Fearlessness is a fighter pilot flying right over enemy territory. Fearlessness is throwing your body over a grenade. Fearlessness is entering a hostile tribe to preach the gospel. Fearlessness is standing up for the rights of those who can’t.

You are His, and no one else’s

I come from a family that makes a lot less than most families. I come from a family that grew used to not having privileges that others considered to be rights. I come from a family that always has bills left to be paid. I come from a family that has endured a lot.

But we have never wanted. We have always had everything we needed. We have never missed a Christmas, there has always been gifts under the tree and gifts in the stockings. We have never gone hungry, there has always been food in the pantry (albeit, not food most people find in their pantry). We have always had fun, without spending money. We have always been clothed, not fashionable in any stretch of the word, but we have never walked around naked. God provides for us, because we are His. In fact, the children don’t even realize the financial standing of the family. They don’t even know or understand that most people make more money, most people have more luxuries. It’s because never once have our parents complained. Never once have we ever wanted for the things we need. God provides for us, because we are His.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:33-34

Do not worry about tomorrow! Do not worry about superficial things, such as money, food, clothing, shelter. Let these things worry about themselves! Can you imagine the stress and anxiety it would cause everyone if they were constantly worrying about their income or their clothes? Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness! Why? Because “all these things will be given to you as well”! You run headlong after Jesus, and He provides the shoes, the food, the direction, everything else needed!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Do you love God? Do you feel His call on your life? Then where is your faith, good and faithful servant? “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called”. All things includes, ALL things! Everything, everything is in His hands and He is working all of it for YOUR GOOD! How can you sit there and worry and stress over things that you have no control over, things that God has in His control anyway? Where is your faith oh little one?

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

It’s ok that you’re weak. It’s ok that you have no idea where the next paycheck is coming from or how bills will be paid. Its only through your weakness that God can be strong! God can’t pour directly into your life if you have everything under control! So, delight in your own shortcomings because God is going to show up in a miraculous way! For when you are weak, then you can be strong in Christ!

“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:18-19

If you are so wrapped up in the past, in a boyfriend dumping you, in a job lost, in an opportunity missed, in a project failed, then God can never work the new, amazing things He wants to! “See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?” The most beautiful thing is our Creator creating! And that is exactly what He wants to do in your life, if you would just turn around and see it!

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you…And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5: 6-7, 10

You have to recognize that you can not do it. You can not control anything, not even yourself. You have to humble yourself, be completely aware of your own failings and inabilities so that you can give all that up to Him. You cannot release that which you do not acknowledge. He may let you suffer a little while but you are never lost, the situation never hopeless. Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds! It is in this suffering that you grow, that you hear God better, that you see Him working more clearly.

Take heart, dear one. God will not allow you to fall. He loves you enough to never let you be defeated. But He also loves you so much that He will not let you stay where you are. He is ever prodding you, ever drawing you forward and closer to Him.

What I should be doing

It’s absolutely ridiculous how much I waste time. From waking up late to sitting and staring at the wall to playing when I should be working.  I read the Rebelution blog today, for the first time in months and MAN I’ve never been more frustrated with myself.

I know God wants me ministering right now, I know there’s some ministry right out of my vision that is awesome and exciting but I can’t see it because I don’t take the two steps closer that it takes. I can’t be committed to God for more than a few days before something gets me off track again and it takes a week or longer to get back on track.  God can’t do anything with me until I’m fully His. I know this, and I know its true more and more every day.

I don’t want to be fine with a normal day. I don’t want to do everyday things and go to bed content. I want to be looking for ministry opportunities, I want to stay up late talking to God, I want to wake up excited to do His work. I want that passion and that fire.

I want to live the life full of God, not the life full of living.

Some thoughts

what would be the one area in your life that Satan could use to pull you off the task that God has put before you?

What you think is good news will often anger your enemies.

Stay on task.

God’s work is always better and more important than man’s work.

• To live the Christian life:

1. To accept a relationship with Jesus based on grace and not works
2. To obey the truth taught by God’s Word, the Bible
3. To accept His teaching and discipline for our life
4. To serve God daily each day of our life

“we won’t stop until somebody calls the cops and even then we’ll start again and just pretend that never even happened.” Isn’t this the motto of youth and young adults today?

Sin in and of itself is a rebellion against God. So isn’t there only one sin, rebellion against God, and there are just thousands and millions of variations of it or manifestations? Think of any sin, isn’t it essentially rebellion against God? So then the only “unforgivable sin” is sin itself. Meaning the only thing that keeps us from heaven is rebelling against God, which is sin, which is negated when we become a Christian. So in other words, once you are a Christian, it doesn’t matter which variation or manifestation of sin that you do, it has been taken care of…because anyway you look at it, sin is rebellion against God. So you can’t point at pride and say that is the unforgivable sin or at suicide and say that is the unforgivable sin because they are just as much a rebellion against God as worrying or stealing or wasting time is. And that is the answer to the unforgivable sin debate.

Where are You taking me?

And so I find myself here once again, all I know is the little plot of land I’m standing on and what I think is out there. I have no idea if there is land to the left, right, front or back of me, if I’m supposed to step out, jump out, swim out, or wait for someone to pick me up. How long will this land I’m standing on be here? It could start to give way at any second or just disappear or I could spend the rest of my life on it. I can’t see but its not because my eyes don’t work. I’m surrounded by a thick darkness that I can as much feel as not see. It’s hot and stuffy and makes thinking clearly hard. I feel my heartbeat rising and a panicky feeling grip my knees. I think I’m healthy and ready for whatever comes next but I don’t really know. I can’t remember anything other than the spot I’m in, I can’t move because the darkness has me cocooned and the only sense that I know for sure is working is that of feel, because I feel the ground I’m standing on and I feel the darkness around me. Take your shoes off for you are on holy ground.

Shut Up Sarah

My counseling sessions continue to surprise me. I keep thinking “why do I go to these again?” And then I walk out and go “Oh ya, thats why.” My counselor, Teresa, is great at showing me what’s going on and realizing how to deal with stuff.

So anyway, I talked to her about this thing I had been struggling with the past week. I shared my frustrations, what happened, how I reacted, the whole bit. And Teresa being the genius she is said simply “You’re overthinking”. Well she said a whole lot of other stuff too but we won’t go into that. Ok, so I’m overthinking. I can see that, makes sense, I think a lot so overthinking isn’t a stretch.

So on the drive back to DBU I’m trying to figure out why I overthink (overthinking about my overthinking hahaha ooooo I’m screwed up). I guess I’ve always known I overthink but didn’t realize it was a problem. And I realized that I didn’t use to overthink. It wasn’t until the past few years that I started thinking so ridiculously much and analyzing everything. You know when it started? After the Isaac fiasco…DING DING DING! Why is everything I do linked to that now?

Anyway, it’s a defense mechanism. I’m scared to death of getting into another relationship and the same thing happening again. I used to be very much a free spirit, go with the flow, hippie love for everyone kinda person and I still am, but now I’m constraining myself inside this safety net and I think I’m happy there. It’s like I figure if I analyze everything, I’ll be in control and I won’t get hurt again. There’s that control thing again!

Thank You God that You keep healing me and teaching me, even through my ridiculous moments like this past week! I’ve made mistakes and I’ve missed out on opportunities and sometimes I want to just sit and wish for the time back but You put them in my life to grow me and thats exactly what I plan to do. Keep my eyes aimed what You’re bringing next and not on the messes of the past.

Woman of no talents

I used to be an extremely competitive person. I prided myself on my writing and reading repetoire, I wasn’t pretty, I didn’t have a lot of friends, I was lazier than all get out, but I had read more books than anyone I had ever met and I always got great grades on my papers. So if someone got a higher score than me or I met someone that had read a book I hadn’t, I just had to find some way to one up them. Thankfully, that is the person I used to be. God has completely changed me from the cynical, bitter, ridiculous person of my high school years. Anyway, I’ve come to realize that I’m really not good at anything.

I don’t have any talents. I’m not a great singer, I’m not athletic, I’m lazy, I don’t read as quick or as efficiently as I like people to think I do, my papers are pieces of crap, I can’t remember simple spanish anymore, organization has never been my hobby…the list goes on. Whereas all my friends are musicians or business people or soon to be doctors or already out in the real world using their talents, I’m here with no real talent to save my life. Not that I’m a complete failure or something, I can sing without breaking windows, I can play a game of volleyball or soccer or whatever without embarrassing myself, I still read a lot, I still remember some spanish and a lot of the grammar rules, and God has taught me to be organized enough to function. I feel like I could be really good at any one of these things if I put all my time and energy into it and so its been frustrating to me that there are always people better…I feel like I could be that amazing basketball player or that girl that sings and plays all those instruments.

But I’m realizing thats not what God called me to be. He doesn’t want me focusing on one aspect of my abilities because that would limit my ministry. If I had stuck with basketball in 8th grade, pushed through and really honed my skills than I would be on the basketball team at some school hanging out with the basketball kids. If I had joined choir in high school like I wanted to and continued piano lessons than I would hang out with the music kids. God’s made me with such a uniquely diverse personality type and He’s given me such a broad range of spiritual gifts (really God? did you really have to give me 6 spiritual gifts?) because He wants me ministering to and reaching people from all kinds of backrounds. All my struggles can be related to so many struggles that others have dealt with or are dealing with. My personality type allows me to connect with so many different kinds of people and my mediocre “talents” allow me to hang out and socialize with just about anyone!

So I accept my sometimes off key singing and my limited basketball skills and my horrible papers. Because there’s a reason for all this and it’s not my reason and it’s not your reason and thats all I need to know.

So what spiritual gifts has God given me? It’s a laundry list let me tell ya, and I was skeptical at first because I’ve never heard of someone having 6 spiritual gifts. But after reading about them and looking at them next to my personality types (out of 4 I have 3) and they all fit perfectly. I guess I can’t tell God what He can and cannot do, right? Anyway, God gave me the gifts of Faith, Mercy, Discernment, Administration, Prophecy, and Wisdom.

I want to be a girl.

I want to be a girl.

My entire life I’ve prided myself on not being a girl. I didn’t care about what I wore, I didn’t like messing with makeup, I didn’t like dressing up, I hated the pressure to be pretty, I punched people, I cussed, I had crude humor, I told people what I thought about them, I was sarcastic about everything, I put my emotions in a box, I hung out with guys, I related to guys. It always felt so weird when someone treated me like a girl, like holding the door open for me, or offering to carry things for me. I’ve always thought that these are things guys should do for girls, I am very opinionated in that regard but I never thought it was what they were supposed to do to me. I’ve always joked with people that I’m not a girl, just because I always related best to guys. It wasn’t until just a little while ago that I realized that I really don’t think I’m a girl, in my head I’m really a “he” not a “she”.

While I was working today, stuffing little pieces of paper about pricing into brochures for IMPACT counseling, I had an epiphany. ”God, I want to be a girl”. I had decided to turn my grunt work into time to talk with God, and so I was praying over friends that I often forget to pray for during my God time, and just kind of figuring things out for the next few weeks when this thought declared itself in my cerebrum.

I’m ready to be a girl. I’m ready to step down from my dominant position and let the guys step up. I’m ready to be a nurturer, to be a counselor, to be a true woman of God. This past year at school and this summer alone has all led up to this point. Slowly God’s been showing me that there is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom (what I’ve always deemed as the epitome of femininity), slowly He’s been building the compassion in my heart for others, slowly He’s been cultivating passion in my heart for ministry, slowly He’s been showing me the hurts and bruises and open wounds in my life that I need to address. He put 3 girls in my life 7 years ago specifically for this moment right here, Lauren, Kiran, and Nicole have been such a help to me as God’s been pushing me through all this. I couldn’t have made it without their support and their example and their passion and love for Christ.

Jesus, I want to be a woman of You. I want to love you so much my insides explode, so much that my heart stops beating, so much that my throat hurts from all the praises I sing to You, so much that I scare my family and friends, so much that I lose myself in You. I’m ready YHWH to be the woman you created me to be, I submit myself completely and wholly to you ADONAY.

It’s time

It’s time for healing time to move on
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It’s time to find my way to where I belong
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace
It’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see
but I’m giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender…
To…

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I’ve wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You’re up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You’re doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It’s time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

This song sums up where I’m at right now perfectly. As most know, I am in counseling right now one hour a week with good ole Teresa. I went in with 2 things in mind and uncovered a whole truckload of other issues I didn’t realize I had swept under the rug. Kinda like an elephant in the room that I hid behind a lamp and lived like it wasn’t there. Anyway, I’m pushing and struggling through a lot of messy things right now and to get through it I do need support from all my friends. But most of all I need understanding, because I’m needing to draw back from a lot of you and I want y’all to understand that it’s not that I don’t love you or value or friendship, I just need to put all my time and energy into the most important Friendship.

So I apologize now for the way I might have acted in the recent past towards anyone. I don’t mean to be short or rude or unattentive, I just have a lot of things on my mind right now. In the future, understand that sometimes I’m just going to be like that but also don’t be afraid to alert me to myself…I probably don’t even realize that I’m hurting those around me.

If you’re my friend or even if you just read this for the heck of it, pray for me. I’m not talking “God protect Sarah” kind of prayers, I need on-your-face, intense prayers. If you can’t give that, then put your time and energy into something else. I love y’all, don’t let me lose you as a friend!