Fighting for Sanity

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know. Where the tree tops glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells on the snow. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write. May your days be merry and bright. And may all your Christmases be white.”

 

Christmas really is the perfect time of year for me. It’s when hope is renewed, faith is strong, love is abundant, and cinnamon finds itself into everything we eat or drink. It’s happy time, you can’t stop the good feelings and the laughter and the community and the friendships from flourishing. I’m ready for this season in my life again. You’d think that you would hit an all-time low and then recover and never face it again. Which I guess is true, I’m just pretty good at finding new all-time lows. Lucky me, right?

I’m still working this latest one out. It’s hard to work from the end to the beginning, to start with my emotions and my reactions and work backwards to figure out the reasons behind them. It’s very disconcerting to be sad or angry and tired or frustrated and have no idea why. There’s always a little voice in my head going “Really? Why?”

My only solution is to change my surroundings. Maybe I’m depressed because I’m always alone. I never see my roommate, I’m awake when everyone is asleep, and my only human interactions are with my coworkers at work. So I’ve moved back home with my family to see if that doesn’t help. I never appreciated my family when I lived with them, mainly because they weren’t my family then. They were the people I co-existed with. Now that I want them to be my family, I’ve found it difficult to re-connect with them since I live so far away and have such a hectic schedule.  Living at home doesnt change my schedule. In fact, it makes my life a little more complicated I think because it’s farther away from work. But I think it’s worth it to come home to people, to have my sisters dying to tell me what happened that day, to have my brother beg for me to play Transformers with him, to be able to moan and complain about my day to my dad and have him laugh about it with me. It’s worth it to have people waiting for me every day, wondering when I’m coming home, asking what I’m doing later that day.

Scott asked me today if he could be the ring bearer for my wedding. I asked him why he would ask me that and he said “because you’re getting married soon.” Even my little 8 year old brother knows how desperately I desire to have my own family. Part of my moving out of the house was to create my own family and I’ve tried to do so by joining other families, being a mother to as many as I could, seeking dating relationships, and gathering together a “college” family. But these families didn’t last, and while I still value all the friendships I accumulated, they aren’t a daily reality anymore.

 

Maybe instead of looking for a new family, I should enjoy and develop the one I was born in.

Ramblings

There are so many demons to fight. So many lessons to learn and implement, so many skills to use and streets to navigate. It’s overwhelming, it’s underwhelming. It’s too much and way too little. It’s real and it’s fake, imagination and reality. To be lonely is hard. To be lonely in a room of hundreds of people is suffocating. It’s debilitating. It’s demoralizing. It’s degrading. It’s easy to mask, easy to hide. But then again it’s hard. So very very hard. To pretend is what you have to do to survive. Because once you stop pretending, then the loneliness is not only a part of your reality, it’s a part of your identity. It becomes who you are, a self-fulfilling prophecy. A never-ending cycle that you can’t pull out of. A hole that you can’t fill, a vacuum of space that stops time while you are crushed with the pain. You want to reach out your hand but don’t have the strength to. You’re fully aware and yet fully deceived. You know the heroes among you, you can recognize their power. But your fear to alienate keeps you back. Your fear to be identified as the desperate, needy, clingy, drowning individual that you are keeps you from seeking help. You want the healthy to want to visit you in the psych ward. You want someone to see that you just want a friend. You’re tired of filling your life and your bed with people who don’t really care about you. You’re tired of seeking friendships with people who are just as screwed up as you are. So you pray and you pray and you pray that God will send you help. That He will rescue you. And you try and seek after Him every second of every day, to fill those empty holes with His presence. But it is increasingly harder and it’s increasingly easier to be distracted by the nonsense around you. It’s easier to send a txt than it is to pray. It’s easier to feel safe when you sleep with arms around you than when you read a verse. Not even the peace of God lasts you. It too fades away and you have to be re-charged, just like the empty friendships that come and go. It’s no wonder you pray so earnestly for that spouse. Because once he comes, the waiting is over. You’ll finally have someone who loves you. But God loves you? It’s a truth that cannot be denied…but hard to realize. What is love? Is it possible to be loved but not feel like it? Is it then my fault that I don’t feel loved?

How can I feel when my very skin is numb, when I’m floating in empty space where sound and light and warmth can’t survive. There’s nothing above or behind me, below or in front of me. There is no up or down or left or right. The joystick is broken and there is no going home. It’s just how things are. This is reality. You don’t miss comforts when you have never experienced them. You forget about how good a bed feels when you’ve slept on the ground for years. You adapt to your surroundings and become thankful for the days you aren’t insane. Because who says love exists when you can’t see it? It’s all around us, it changes peoples lives, it’s all there is, it’s in the DNA of every molecule of life and unlife. Love is not real until it punches you in the face.

Learning to Lean

The past few months have been pretty cool God-wise. Little by little, our relationship is growing from acquaintances to good friends. I’m really starting to realize how much He cares for me. I can feel His love for people overwhelming me at times, which is new for me. I’ve always been empathetic or wanted to help people but never before have I started crying just because I’m so happy about who a person is or proud of what they are doing…even people I don’t really know. I feel God’s presence a lot more often now…it’s pretty cool, it’s like God taps me on the shoulder just to remind me He’s still here and in my head I always say “oh hey God” or “oh hey Jesus”…like our own little joke .

I’ve gotten pretty consistent about doing a little time in the morning with Him, although I’m still working on the whole discipline thing. I’m done with Proverbs 31 woman so now I’m reading through Celebration of Discipline again as my bible study, because I still haven’t gotten it lol. I read my Oswald Chambers, a little excerpt from My Princess (this little book that has letters from The King to His Princess, based on a certain verse in scripture…ministers directly to my heart everytime, just like God was talking to me right now.) and read a little of the Bible as well. That’s usually all I have time for, that and prayer, before I have to rush off to work.

Paul, the owner of the company I work for, had a heart attack a few days ago. I walked into work and he was in the process of having it right then, firefighters were walking in behind me. I’ve never had anyone I know or care for even go to the hospital for something possibly life-threatening so I was completely freaked out. I tried to hold it together as much as I could but when Paul was leaving he gave me a hug and told me not to worry and I couldn’t stop from crying, I had to go to the back and try and compose myself. He’s doing ok, but the doctor said if he doesn’t get rest and stop his workaholic lifestyle, he’ll die. So everyone in the company is stepping up and taking charge of different aspects so he can stay at home and sleep. Eric took his car so he can’t go anywhere and everyone has been ordered not to call or txt him and not to respond to him if he calls or txts us. That was a disappointment to me because I really wanted to send him encouraging txts, to let him know I cared for him and am praying and such. But I found a way around it I asked God to give me encouraging verses or words for Paul and I’ve been writing them on little cards and mailing them to him. I don’t sign them, so they’re anonymous. I like it better that way, I know I have that desire deep in my flesh to get recognition for things I do and instead I just want to hear that my cards really helped him in a dark point of his life.

So as manager, I’m going to be at the store all the time now. I gotta pick up all the shifts that can’t be covered until we hire some more staff. So in just an hour or so I will be opening it up and I think I work all the way until close.

One thing I love about my job is the people I meet and the relationships I form. At our company meeting, Tiffany said it best by saying that we never know the impact we might have on someone. I want to have an impact! We have a regular that everyone calls Granny and she told Tiffany that she keeps coming back because she knows that she is cared for here. Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes because that is exactly how I want everyone who walks through our doors to feel. That store is my home, and everyone who comes in is my guest. I want to do everything I can to make them feel comfortable and I want to listen to them and hear their hearts and encourage and equip them for their day or their week as much as I can. The past few days, Oswald Chambers has been talking about how Christ is supposed to flow living rivers through us and that we seek a strong relationship with Him, not so that we can benefit but so that these rivers constantly flow through us and affect everyone around us. That’s what I want! And I think that’s what I’ve been feeling, in small doses, the past month or so. Oswald says to “never allow anything to come between you and Jesus Christ-not emotion or experience-nothing must keep you from the one great sovereign Source.”

That’s one reason I told Michael we couldn’t date anymore. I don’t think an occasional date is bad but we were moving towards a relationship and I was already starting to shirk responsibilities a little bit at work, spending my extra time with him rather than my family or developing my relationship with God like I wanted, and we had already fallen to temptation a couple times. The whole thing was taking my focus off of helping Paul out with the company and trying to really understand this whole relationship with a Being who isn’t physical (ps, those of us with the love language of touch…how does God fulfill that?! I can understand Him fulfilling those with words of affirmation or gifts or service or something but what about physical touch?). He wasn’t very happy about it and tried to convince me otherwise. I’m pretty sure he’s still mad at me, but I just hope he understands in time.

I’ve been looking for some good praise verses in the Bible because I have started to want to praise God when I pray. Like just tell Him how awesome He is. And I feel like I get stuck in the same kind of things to say and I can’t branch out. Today I ready Ephesians 1:15-20 and I liked that…I might memorize that one. If anyone knows of some more, let me know!

I’m not giving up on my ministry ideas…I’m just having to postpone a little bit. Beto is having to postpone as well, he’s working on making Kidridge freaking awesome at TCAL. But I’m really excited to see it happen!

Warren Samuels spoke at TCAL this morning. I really miss that man. He and Paul have such an authentic passion for God and what He’s doing…it’s so refreshing and inspiring. I miss being with both of them. Hopefully I’ll be able to invest some time in them in the next few weeks. It’s hard because there are so many people that I haven’t seen in forever that I really want to hang out with. Maybe I should make a list? That might make it easier lol.

One of many struggles

It’s so hard. It never seems to get easier. How can I open myself up to someone I barely know? How can they expect me to? And then how can they be mad when I finally do? How can they reject me for who I am? Isn’t that what you wanted? To know who I am? Why else would you ask? Do you want me to just tell you what you want to know, what makes you feel good? Because I can do that. I know exactly what you want to hear.

Is it my fault that I’m confused? That maybe I think I should get to know somebody well before I start deciding I really like them? Should I not be upset if the level of physical is not equal to the level of emotional intimacy? Am I supposed to be ok with skipping over several important aspects and steps in a dating relationship?

How dare you.

Year of the Bible

Before reading my post, please refer to this news article:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/politico/20090522/pl_politico/22832

So, the question is do I as a Christian support this bill to make a “year of the Bible” recognized by the federal government?

The answer is no. Emphatically no. Is it a nice endeavor? I believe so. It would be fantastic if instead of having to prove ourselves at every nook and cranny in the federal system if they could give us a little recognition. Is this good timing? Absolutely not. Are there more important things the Christians in Congres should be focusing on? Heaven yes.

This is not good timing because of all the decisions Congress needs to make about our country and the direction it is headed in. We are living in an economic crisis, and if the government doesn’t take action we will continue to decline and no longer be the world power we are currently (although no matter what, we will be surpassed by China, India, and Japan shortly anyway). Healthcare is a mess, social security a joke, and companies having to fire most employees or shut down. Everyone’s job, home, and economic wellbeing is hanging in the balance. This being so, it is absolutely irresponsible to be putting all your time and energy into passing a bill that doesn’t change anything really. It will be considered the  “year of the Bible”, it does not promise more federal recognition for Christianity, does not ensure that the Christian message will be spoken louder, received more, or will be more generally accepted around the world.

It’s just something that conservative Christian groups will be able to point to and say “see what we’re doing for the kingdom!” when in reality, they’ve brought the kingdom down. Christians have to understand that God’s kingdom is not limited to the “religious”. God’s kingdom is just as much found in our healthcare or federal government as it is found in prayer at schools or crisis pregnancy centers. Dualistic Christianity tends to put things such as this Bible bill and fighting against abortion and things like this as more important for the kingdom, more holy than the environment or the economy or anything else not specifically a conservative Christian concern.

Political Christians are the worst examples I know of a Christian, even worse than the Hypocrite Christian. Not that I’m saying they are “bad” Christians, because all of us are “bad” Christians. All of us still sin, all of us make mistakes. Hypocrite Christians are dualistic thinkers, separating to the extreme the secular and the sacred. They tend to be very gnostic in their thinking, believing it to be ok to engage in whatever activities here on earth as long as they are dedicated to being at church on Sunday and “keeping their mind pure”. Of course, the rest of the world recognizes this as false and is just disgusted with these “Christians” that don’t live what they preach. Political Christians are similar to the Hypocrite Christian except they take a political platform that is a noble platform, such as stopping abortion to save babies lives, and make it their holy duty to push it as far as they can go. These Christians are willing to die for it, that’s how emphatic they are. They’ll picket anywhere they must, they’ll support any bill they can, they’ll talk on any conservative talk radio show about the evils of abortion clinics, they’ll forego their jobs and their families and their obligations because it’s what God has called them to.

Yes, abortion is wrong. I don’t think there’s much question about that. But these political Christians have stopped to see anything other than the position they champion. In the case of abortion, they have forgotten about the mothers that are getting abortions. In their attempt to save the lives of these babies, they are destroying the lives of these women. Who wants to go to church or listen to any type of Christian when you have already been destroyed by a group of Christians?

Our focus is on the wrong things. We have to be culturally relevant Christians and right now the most culturally relevant thing we can do is to engage in the economic discussion. We should be part of the solution, not part of the group beating a dead horse. In light of everything our country is going through, of all the answers that the people need, is there really any point to having a “year of the Bible”? What purpose does it serve, other than us getting a feather in our cap? We should be looking to serve our country rather than to serve our own agenda. I find it much more likely that we will have a “year of the Bible” after prominent Christians lead the church in answering the healthcare and environment and economy questions than after those same Christians fight to the death for this one silly bill.

Be a help, not a hindrance.

Renewed Fervor

“You will seek Me and find Me. When you seek Me with all your heart.”

-Jeremiah 29:13

It has been months since I have sought out my Saviour. I have been more concerned with basic survival and pleasures that are fleeting than I have in growing my relationship with and my love for the One who fulfills everything in me. This morning, I finally sought Him out. And I took only one step before He swept me up in His arms, buried me in His embrace, and covered my face with His kisses. Oh how I have longed for His love and His touch! It has never gone away, as much as I tried to mask it or to quench it with other things. Where I once was exhausted, focused on survival, and hopeless now I am refreshed, excited about tomorrow, and eager to be lead in new paths.

“And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

- Phillipians 1:6

God put a passion in my heart, a calling to my life and even though I ran away from Him and forsaked everything He had prepared me for, He did not give up on me. He has been ever calling me, never once did He break communication with me. I refused to answer the phone, I ignored His texts, and I turned away when I saw Him in public, but He never stopped. Like a lover who would not be denied, He continued to pursue me, He never left me for one instant. And now He is rejoicing because He is finally able to finish the work He started in my life.

“Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

- Psalms 46:10

So often I pass over this verse without another thought. But today, it brings such joy to my heart! In such a fast paced world, with such an ADD mentality, who would have known that my heart would leap at the chance to just be still and know that He is God? He will be exalted! No matter what I do, God’s name will be glorified but OH how I want to be the one to do it! I want to be a part of the masses, screaming until our voices crack how awesome is our God and how mighty is His name!

Day 63: Prone to wander

It’s been a long time since my first post about seeking God’s will for my life right now. I remember that first day I felt so excited, so sure that God had huge things planned for me and I was so ready to embark on that journey right then. But I didn’t continue in that fashion. I became distracted by my new boyfriend, by the relationships I was building, by the importance I felt when asked to be the preschool Sunday School teacher. I grew lazy with my schoolwork, I didn’t keep up a lot of friendships that were important to me, I selfishly pursued only that which benefited me directly and immediately. But most importantly, I discontinued my walk with Christ.

I didn’t read the Bible on my own anymore. I was more likely to skip a church service. I didn’t listen to my mp3 player, full of my favorite God-glorifying music, and I found more joy in watching movies than I did in talking with my Saviour. I found that suddenly I had no time for devotions, no time for fasting or meditation. Where I had previously been zealous for the spiritual disciplines, they ceased to even cross my mind. My prayers were few and far between and never in depth, always quickly-worded, never sincere or heart felt, and never about someone else. My thoughts seemed to revolve around the here and now and how I could take full advantage of it.

But God does not let His people leave Him.  There is not one prodigal son He does not accept with open arms, not one lost sheep He doesn’t rescue and not one lost coin He doesn’t search the world over for. And not one Sarah Beth He doesn’t let ignore Him or His calling. It amazes me how utterly wrapped up in  myself I can become, with God every calling me to Himself and I can’t hear any of it. It’s not until God completely shakes my world up that I snap out of it and realize that I’ve gotten so lost I don’t know which way is up.

But even as God turns my world upside down, He is loving me. He yanks me out of the street, not to hurt me, but to save me. His mercies are ever new and His love never ends. Everything He does is for His kingdom and for His glory and it is in my best interest to work towards that goal as well. He is there to support me as my emotions go for a roller coaster ride and He is forever supplying all my needs because I can’t in my own power take care of myself.

Take my heart Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above.

My Story

God has truly proven to be my rescuer and my protector throughout my life. I can look back now, with a clearer vision of what was really happening behind the scenes and realize that my Redeemer loves me with a love that is pure and holy, meaning set apart, completely different from anything that we as humans can come up with. We don’t even have the capacity to explain or describe or understand God’s love.

 

When I was in 6th or 7th grade, right around that puberty/awkward stage, I got my first glimpse of porn. I was raised in a very conservative Christian home and had been homeschooled most of the my life at that time, so I hadn’t even heard much about porn up unto that point. But I knew in my heart that something wasn’t right about it. I didn’t understand why, but I was hooked. Mostly curiosity, but something else propelled me to that computer screen and to that Google homepage again and again when Mom wasn’t looking. Being young and naive, I didn’t realize that those pages track you so they can send you pop ups and emails to further the addiction. My mom eventually found out, was very upset with me, and I played the stupid card and pretended I had stumbled on it by accident once. Not even I understood the rot that was gathering in my heart.

 

I couldn’t go to porn sites anymore, but my curiosity was peaked at this point to sex and sexuality. My parents are great parents and they raised me right and taught me excellent morals but they forgot to teach me about sex. My mom said we listened to tapes about it at some point, but I don’t have any memory of it. Thinking back, I can only think of maybe 3 times of seeing my parents kiss, much less anything else. So sex wasn’t exactly anything I knew a lot about. I didn’t feel like this was something I could talk to my parents about (and what kid wants to talk to their parents about that) so I did my own research. Unfortunately, that research involved chatrooms and cyber sex, online dating websites,  and masturbation at night in my room. I was addicted to this stuff and I didn’t know why. I felt so dirty everytime I masturbated or had cyber sex with a complete stranger over the computer. I hated myself and felt like God must too. I saw Christianity as works not grace…I believed that once you prayed the prayer, than all the good things you did earned you God’s love. I wasn’t even sure how to know if the magic prayer worked, so I prayed it several times, I walked the aisle at church several times, I tried to get baptized several times. I felt so filthy most of the time, I thought I was light years away from God and that I had to work to get myself back close to Him…although I never felt closer than, oh say an entire continent. I would decide that I would never do anything sexual again, that I wasn’t supposed to have a sexuality, and that I wouldn’t give in anymore. And everytime I did give in, I’d fall deeper and deeper into this pit that pinned me in from all sides.

 

My senior year in high school I had my first serious boyfriend. He was totally out of my league, a football player for one of the schools in my district. It felt nice to have a guy pursue me, tell me he loved me, talk about marrying me…it wasn’t until after the break up that I realized that shouldn’t happen within the first month of dating someone. For 9 months I was in a very emotionally dependent relationship, that involved me dropping all my morals, dreams, plans, aspirations…basically changing myself to be someone that my boyfriend would want. I remember thinking the first 2 weeks or so of us dating “I would have sex with him if it meant he’d be with me forever.” I lost about 20 pounds in around a month, because he thought I should be thinner. I started wearing more makeup, paying more attention to the clothes I was wearing, sneaking out at night to rendevous with him. I let him do all kinds of things that up until meeting him, I had already decided I wouldn’t do until marriage. We never had sex, frankly because he broke up with me before we got to that point. He told me one night that he would never abandon me, that he wouldn’t be like his father who left him when he was 5 and the next morning he broke up with me. This is after he convinced me to go to a community college instead of a big prestigious school out of state like I had planned so I would be near him, convinced me to marry him as soon as he graduated from high school, had me completely change my plans for children and my theological beliefs, and had me plan out how we would survive financially once we were married. After the breakup, he deleted me off his myspace, blocked me, called my father and told him I was stalking him and that if I didn’t stop he’d have his dad come and have words with mine. Several months later, when I was in college, he toilet papered my house and had a bunch of his buddies prank call me.

 

After that, I was a wreck. I couldn’t stop crying for over a month, and didn’t get over him until almost a year later. I didn’t have any plans for college anymore but God somehow got me into Dallas Baptist University with maximum scholarship possible and plenty of financial aid. After the breakup, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how relationships were supposed to work, but I knew that I desperately wanted to be loved. After my previous relationship, I concluded that sex was love. My boyfriend seemed most happy with me when I would fool around with him. So that summer, I started opening myself up to guys physically. I had very thick walls put up so I wouldn’t get hurt again. I was going to be in control and I was never going to feel that vulnerable again. So any guy that wanted to date me, that respected me or treated me right, I shut down. I wasn’t having any of it, because I would have to open myself up and it hurt too much. But the physical, I could do that. I would feel loved, for a few days or weeks or months, and I didn’t have to take my walls down. In fact, I could completely disconnect while the guy did his thing and not even be affected by it. It seemed like the only solution available to me. I thought this was how things were supposed to be.

 

Along this scary road that I had found myself on, I truly discovered God’s grace and love and mercy. See, He had brought me to DBU to get me away from everyone I knew so that I could finally here His voice. He taught me that He is not about works, but about love. He romanced me to Himself, held me when I cried, whispered how much He loved and adored me in my ear as I slept, and protected me financially and sexually. There are so many times I should have ended up living in a box without a penny to my name, raped or molested but God always had my back, even when I didn’t care what happened to me.

 

God is my Lover, my Rescuer, my Protector, my Alpha and Omega, my Jehovah Jireh, my Elohim, my Adonai. He will never leave me nor forsake me, no matter how many times I run from Him. He has healed all my hurts, He has torn down all my walls, and He is leading me in the way everlasting. And He has awakened a passion inside me and given me this cry in my heart:

 

I want to be leading and changing. I don’t want to be a side person or a follower, I don’t want to be there when history changes, I want to be the catalyst! It doesn’t matter where, what, or how, I just want to shout from the rooftops what God is speaking to my heart and see it take action on the people around me. I could take up nearly any cause and be its champion, I could cry out for those without voices, I could speak the truth that transforms lives. I don’t care what God calls me to do as long as I’m not sitting on the sidelines or dealing with the mundane. I want in the game, I want on the front lines!

 

I want to be a Rescuer, because my Rescuer lives in me.

Old Memories

I went home for the first time in a while, other than Christmas, this past weekend. After work on Friday I drove the 45 minute trip home and then I spent all day at with the fam on Saturday. Apparently I had left boxes of stuff from when I first moved out over a year ago. So my mom pulled some of the boxes down from the attic so I could go through them and throw away what needed to be thrown away and take away everything else so she had more space in her attic. So I sat on the ground and emptied out the boxes and, surrounded by lots of old rubbage, I was run over by memory after memory after memory.

The first thing I found was this little porcelain angel box. It’s really small, can really only hold one ring but I love that thing. I got it when I was in 3rd or 4th grade from my choir director at church. I don’t even remember her name or what she looked like, but I do remember her pulling me aside one day and giving it to me. It was such a nice gift to give to a little girl and was completely random that it blew me away. She had thought of me, little crazy me, and trusted me enough to give me an extremely breakable, fragile little treasure. And I still have it, thats how much it impacted me!

There was a random writing assignment from middle school in one of the boxes, from The House On Mango Street. We had to answer several writing prompts about different chapters in the book. It was crazy to read through it and all of a sudden remember exactly what it was like back then, who I was back then. I definitely showed my writing skills off way back then, I wrote exactly like I do now only with more grammatical errors. It was like I was talking to 14 year old Sarah Hutchinson.  I was also a little sad because I could remember how frustrated I was with who I was, how lost I was at finding myself, and how my friends at the time weren’t helpful at all. But through all that I was struggling with, I answered the questions intelligently and in one I even shared the gospel. Huh.

The things that really made me cry were my coins from Venezuela and the bookmark my translator gave me. He had left a little note on the back. He was the most amazing translator ever, he didn’t just translate what I was saying to the people I was talking to, he took me under his wing and invested in me. The struggle I started in middle school about who I was continued into high school and wasn’t stopped until I met Gerardo on the mission trip to Venezuela. He called me bellissima and sat with me at meals and encouraged me in my spanish. He made me feel comfortable while I shared the gospel with strangers and helped me out when I stumbled or forgot where I was. He was my first love, in a sense. There was no one else in the world I felt more strongly about.

It’s crazy to think about who I was and where I was years ago and where I am now and how I got there. The people that have come into my life and impacted me, the places I remember being, the events I remember and don’t remember happening…all these things equal up to who I am now.

Day 1

So my pastor has challenged me and some other students in the church to start 120 days of listening for God’s voice. It’s 4 months of seeking God with everything we have, devoting all our time and energy to deepening our relationship with Him.

As soon as my pastor challenged us, I knew that now was the right time. Everything in the past weeks and months had been leading up to this point in my life, when God asks that I lay down everything and just sit with Him. So, I thought I would document my experiences in here for yall. The first day was really all about me slowing down. There weren’t any divine revelations or anything out of the ordinary, other than me taking my busy mind and relaxing it. I was still busy, I still had a lot of stuff to get done, but my mind was calm and rested and focused, as much as possible, on Jesus. So far, my 120 days is going great!